How to give feedback | GB64

I'm guessing you're here because you want to give feedback without being a jerk, right?

Welcome back, listeners! In this episode, we address the delicate art of giving feedback. Building on our previous discussion on asking for and receiving feedback, we explore how to give feedback in a way that is empathetic, constructive, and respectful.

We start by challenging the common notion that feelings have no place in business. Acknowledging and respecting others' feelings matters. We outline four key steps to artfully giving feedback:

1. Check Your Ego: Feedback should not be about showcasing your intelligence or authority. It's about helping the other person improve.

2. Check and Acknowledge Your Bias: Recognize that your perspective may be different from theirs. Consider their situation, resources, and priorities.

3. Know Your Lane and Stay in It: Offer feedback only if your expertise is relevant to the topic. Don't offer opinions just for the sake of it.

4. If It's Going to Sting, Say So, Then Be Direct: Be honest about the difficulty of the feedback, but deliver it respectfully and directly. Ask for consent before delivering the feedback.

We emphasize the importance of being straightforward and avoiding sugarcoating. While giving feedback may be uncomfortable, it's essential for growth and improvement.

So, if you want to learn how to give feedback that is both honest and respectful, tune in to this episode. You'll gain valuable insights on how to communicate effectively and compassionately in any setting.

As always, thank you for listening and caring about making a positive impact. 

For more details, visit illanaburk.com.

Good Business is hosted by Illana Burk, CEO of Illana Burk Consulting llc and strategic coach and advisor to entrepreneurs, creative leaders, and industry disruptors the world over.

For more of illana around the web:
Web: illanaburk.com
On TikTok: @illanaburk
On Insta: @illanaburk

Transcript

0:41

Hi there and welcome back everyone! As promised, today is the second half of our two parter on getting and giving feedback. In our last episode, we did a deep dive on asking for and successfully receiving feedback. Today, we're going to cover how to give it in a way that doesn't completely crap all over the person who's receiving it. The assumption that we're beginning with here today is that you actually want to be good at this. and you want to actually have the other person's feelings and best interests at heart. Now why feelings you ask, right? Because we don't often talk about feelings in business and that's, you know, we're changing that. Because they matter. And for way too long, we have all, collectively, in a million tiny ways, made the feelings like other people's responsibility, right? However you feel is your Responsibility over there. I carry no responsibility for it, especially in business settings. This allows people to do and say almost anything under the deeply reductive idea that it's not personal, it's just business. And that has resulted in generations of deeply alienated and lonely people living under the boot heel of people who have convinced themselves that they simply do not have to bother with caring. And that's where we're starting today, because I think that's terrible and has kind of fucked up our entire culture in a rather significant way. So today we care about feelings and that's kind of the backbone of the conversation. So when we care about feelings, there are four parts to artfully giving feedback. First, check your ego. Before you open your mouth. Offering feedback is not at all about you. It's not a promotional opportunity or a moment to show off how smart you are. Know that you may be wrong. Before you open your mouth, know that you might be wrong. You might be mistaken. You may not fully understand the entirety of the situation, which might make your feedback irrelevant. Also be 100 percent at peace with the person not integrating or taking your feedback. They don't have to, they're under no obligation to do so. And that should not affect how you proceed at all, right? Ego gets in the way a lot in feedback giving, especially like in the age where there's people like me telling business owners, especially to like, Go and give feedback in forums and groups as a way of promoting yourself and showing off how smart you are. It's like one of those things that starts off as kind of good advice. Yes, participate in your community and add value. Unfortunately, the way most people take it is, here is a thing I am checking off my list. I am going to go and comment on things. I'm going to go and give feedback for stuff. Whether or not I know. Fuck all about what they're talking about, but I'm going to weigh in just to be there and get exposure, right? there's so many examples of how the internet has made getting and giving feedback just completely broken. I mean, how many times have we all seen threads or feedback requests where 85 percent of the comments are irrelevant in some way or insulting or just kind of people being thoughtless garbage people. It's not great. And we do it because it's like an ego hit, you know, getting those little likes and those little dislikes, even you get dopamine from that. Whether that's something that your brain craves like mine or not is pretty beside the point. We all like to have that interaction, so we like to feel useful. we all have somebody in our life that weighs in on everything. And if you don't have somebody in your life who weighs in on everything, you might be the person who weighs in on everything. And that's something to think about because nobody really likes that person very much. So, so think hard about what, you know, who that person is, right? Because it's like, nobody knows everything about everything. when you bring ego to the table, You end up being the blowhard and that doesn't actually help anyone. So if you're trying to help people and you care about their feelings and actually being of use, your ego needs to take a backseat. So second, check and acknowledge your bias. Your perspective is not their perspective. Your context is not their context. You do not know their situation in full. There's no way you could. Nor can you ever completely understand where they're coming from and the stakes they're dealing with. But you should try to anyway. That's how you both Check and acknowledge your bias and honor it. We all have bias. It's impossible not to. All tied up in bias is things like privilege, economic status, race, like it's all baked in there. And we all have biases that go in every direction. Before you open your mouth to give feedback, you have to recognize your differences. You have to recognize your differences in situation, in resources, in how important what they're asking for. might be to them versus how important it might be to you. Those might be two different things. They might be similar. You don't know, but you have to actually think through that process before you open your mouth. That's how you take responsibility for checking and acknowledging your bias. Recognize it, think about it, contemplate it before you offer anything. All right. The third thing is know your lane and stay in it. That means that if you are not the right person to speak to the topic at hand, Don't. Your opinion is only relevant if your expertise, knowledge, and experience is relevant to what's being asked. The sound of your own voice is not a reason to make it heard. In practical terms, I'll give you an example, right? Let's say someone is asking for an opinion on a logo design or a book cover design. You know, we've all seen those things on Facebook that it's like, do you like A, B, C, or D better? My designer wants to know. Unless you are a designer yourself and understand things like color theory, font language, kerning, uh, you know, all kinds of other designy words that make me sound smart or you are a member of this person's primary target market, your opinion is basically irrelevant. I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter. And by offering it, you're actually harming the person asking because you're giving them skewed advice. You're giving them a set of decision making that isn't actually going to help them get to where they want to go because you're not their target. And you're not a designer, which means you can't step out of your own biases as a practice, as a professional practice. That's what designers do. We step out of our professional practice so that we can see things from another perspective. It's a huge part of the basis of design. That's why I add that in there. But like, for example, a friend of mine put, uh, four book covers up recently. On Facebook. Same thing, right? Like, do you like A, B, C, or D better? And I'm looking at it through a designer's eye, and I'm going, I would take the font from A and mix it with the script font from D, and then I would move the text down and, because none of them were good. None of them actually spoke to who she was trying to speak to. And the parade of answers were just people voting. So she's going to make a decision based on what a whole bunch of people who were not in the target market for the book and who were not designers, they all just like D best. And I can tell you why they like D best. It had the most familiar font and the largest graphic that made you feel empathetic towards the person on the page, right? Like on the cover. There's psychology to it. But this person's going to make a decision based on the fact that the most people liked that one. But none of those people are going to buy the book because the book wasn't for them. It was a YA novel. And all those people were like, you know, professional business y type people. So they're not looking at it through the lens of a 16 year old girl, right? So what they're offering is feedback. isn't actually helping. In fact, it's hindering. Like, you don't ask those things in the wrong forum. Which, you know, listen to the other episode about asking for feedback and you'll learn all about that. But know when to keep your mouth shut. Know when to sit on your hands and not type and not weigh in. You're not always doing them a service just because they asked. Okay, finally, If it's going to sting, say so, then be direct. This is how you actually deliver feedback and do it with respect. It's a little bit like you know how when they say if you have to fire somebody, whatever you say, don't like, don't apologize. Don't get emotional with them. Don't try to empathize with them because it's not about you in that moment. You have to let them have their own feelings. And if you do all those things, you're making it about you. And you're forcing that person to make you feel better. It's a little bit like that. Right? Remember that feelings matter. If you have to say something that's going to be hard to hear, keep your voice as even as you can, avoid sarcasm, avoid saccharine apologies, try not to sugarcoat, and simply prime them for what you're about to say. I have to do this all the time when I'm coaching with clients because they are, you know, every single call somebody's asking for my opinion on something. And I have to say, Hey, I'm, what I'm about to say is going to suck. There's no way around it. I know you poured your heart and soul and a ton of work into what you are presenting me. I can see how much work and how much energy you put into it, but I have to tell you the reasons why it's not working. It's what you pay me for. And I'm going to save you a ton of time and money by doing so, but it's not going to take the sting off when I say it. And know that I'm saying it from a place of love and care and a desire to help you, but here goes. Are you ready? Ask for consent. Let them know what they're in for and then give them a second to center themselves so that they don't feel like they've just been knocked onto their heels by a boxer or something, right? You owe them that. If they're asking for feedback and you are actually going to thoughtfully give it, you owe them that moment of priming. And you owe them a moment to offer consent one more time before they hear it. I've had clients say, you know what, I don't think I'm ready for that today. And I can say, no problem. Do you want me to record a screencast with my feedback and you can listen to it when you're ready? Or do you want to just wait until our next call? We can move in a different direction today. That's fine. That's how you check your ego, you stay in your lane, and you make sure they understand what they're in for so that they don't get caught off guard. Once they've given consent, you rip the band aid off. You don't hem and haw. You don't sugarcoat, right? Nobody is well served by overly sugarcoating, overly explaining things, or by not saying everything that needs to be said. If you've done all those other things, right? You are a person who's in a position of expertise. You are the right person to be asking. You know for sure that you checked in with your biases. You understand that they are asking you for something that you are well qualified to offer them. Nothing good comes from you pulling your punches at that point. That's not helping them. So you have to be direct. And you have to be willing to go out on that limb and recognize that that's going to hurt and then be there for them when it does and help them come up with solutions. That's how you can give feedback without being a total asshole. So that's it, everyone. As always, you absolutely honor me with your attention. Thank you very much for working so hard to run a truly good business and to care about other people's feelings. It warms my heart. I hope you guys all have a wonderful week and I will see you all very soon. Bye everybody.